22 things you can no longer do with Vietweek

By Calvin Godfrey, Thanh Nien News

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The front pages of Vietweek’s first issue, published on January 6, 2012, and this issue – our last edition – and all of our former incarnations published under different names since October 2007. After this issue, our content will be exclusively online at www.thanhniennews.com.
Dear reader.
After this issue, Vietweek will no longer print a paper. Our content will be exclusively online.
Please don’t cry. Not now. Not here.
We’ll still have a website. So you can still print our stories out every Thursday, staple the pages together. And call it Vietweek.
It just won’t be Vietweek.
To help you get over all this, I’ve compiled this list of 22 things you will no longer be able to do with Vietweek.
1) You will no longer be able to call us up with urgent tips and yell “Stop the Presses.” The presses have stopped. Permanently.
2) You will no longer be able to keep your ancestors endlessly entertained and informed by leaving Vietweek on the family altar.
3) You will no longer be able to use Vietweek as a snazzy carpet or tablecloth.
4) You will no longer be able to use Vietweek to commit arson.
5) You will no longer be able to keep Vietweek in your outhouse—both as a form of entertainment and sanitation.
6) You will no longer be able to twist Vietweek into a pretend sword and chase away drunk English teachers with it.
7) You will no longer be able to hide behind Vietweek while casing joints, following marks or observing the comings and goings of suspicious galoots.
8) You will no longer be able to wad Vietweek up in a fury. If future news makes you angry, you will be forced to smash an iPad or something.
9) You will no longer be able to practice the cherished art of Vietgami—the folding of Vietweek into geometric forms, functioning race cars and anmial shapes.
10) You will no longer be able to confuse newspaper vendors by asking them for Vietweek.
11) You will no longer be able to escape traffic fines by pulling Vietweek out of your backpack and telling police that you are its eccentric foreign editor.
12) You will no longer be able to use Vietweek to decode the latest transmissions from the CIA listening station in the Australian Embassy in Hanoi (Just kidding! Or am I?!?)
13) You will no longer be able to dress your wounds in Vietweek.
14) You will no longer be able to wrap yourself in Vietweek to protect against the bitter Southeast Asian cold.
15) You will no longer be able to make people fall in love with you by holding Vietweek over their heads and giggling wistfully as you skip together through the rain.
16) You will no longer be able to soak Vietweek in rubbing alcohol to distil your own cheap cologne: Eau D’Vietweek.
17) You will no longer be able to spend all weekend curled up in bed with Vietweek. I’m afraid you’re going to have to start dating again…
18) You will no longer be able to rub your hands and face on the pages of Vietweek to convince your wife that you were out all night volunteering in a coal mine.
19) You will no longer be able to bury Vietweek deep in the earth’s crust and then time-travel into the future to harvest the diamonds.
20) You will no longer be able to chew Vietweek. Worst. Gum. Ever.
21) You will no longer be able to impress your age and sophistication upon others by reading an actual newspaper.
22) You will no longer be able to tell your friends back home that your dimwitted racist ruminations about Vietnam and its people were mysteriously printed by a state-owned Vietnamese newspaper.

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